Modupe Ayobami: What Happens When Absent Fathers Become the Cool Parent?

“Children will always go in search of their father.” 

This is not a quote or proverb; it’s a difficult reality that many single mothers who raised their children without the support of their children’s fathers would rather not face. But one thing about truth is that it always finds its way back, no matter how painful or inconvenient.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, only about 43.5% of custodial single mothers receive the full amount of child support due, and 30.7% receive none at all. In developing countries, the situation is worse. Many mothers raise their children alone without any financial input from the fathers, not because child support laws don’t exist, but because they are poorly enforced. Corruption, lack of awareness, and systemic failure allow many fathers to evade responsibility.

For many of these women, they choose to move on, carrying their pain quietly. Often traumatised by how they became single mothers, many decide to shield their children from the chaos of co-parenting and raise them alone. They relocate, take on multiple jobs, and dedicate their lives to ensuring their children succeed, believing that someday their sacrifices will be rewarded with appreciation and care.

This would make perfect sense if children didn’t feel the absence of a father.

From school to social settings, children see the role of fathers actively represented. They notice their peers being picked up by their dads, being cheered on during school events, and celebrating Father’s Day. No matter how much a mother tries to play both roles, most children recognise something is missing. Questions like “Where is my father?” begin to form early and often grow louder with age.

Girls grow up knowing that a father is a protector. Boys recognise him as a mentor. Their curiosity becomes a quiet longing.

With the rise of social media and digital technology, locating an absent parent is no longer a difficult task. Many children secretly initiate contact with their fathers online, while others ask questions to relatives, neighbours, or anyone who might know something. Often, this is done behind the mother’s back to spare her the pain.

Girls, in particular, may seek out their fathers because of societal judgment. A viral video once showed a pastor boldly stating, “My son cannot marry a girl without a father.” Such statements, while ignorant and harmful, reflect a stigma that many fatherless girls battle throughout their lives.

Some men also refuse to marry women from broken homes or those estranged from their fathers. And even when men don’t mind, their families sometimes resist. For many women, this pressure motivates a search for their father, not just to meet him, but for closure.

Closure allows them to realise that their father’s absence wasn’t their fault. Many find peace when they hear the words, “It wasn’t about you. Things didn’t work out between your mom and me. I’m sorry.” That moment helps release years of shame and self-blame. Some go further, building new relationships with the father who was never there.

Then it happens: the absent father becomes the cool parent. He gives gifts, tells jokes, and paints himself as misunderstood. Children, especially those unfamiliar with him, are drawn in. He’s funny, wise, easy-going, and suddenly, “maybe mom was the problem all along.”

For boys, the absence cuts deeper. A father was supposed to be their model. The pain is heavier, and the search takes longer. While solid global stats are limited, many psychologists note that boys tend to suppress these emotions longer and may seek their fathers not for affection but to ask, “Why?”

In today’s world, gender debates and phrases like “you’ll understand your father when you’re older” push boys to seek clarity. And if they find a convincing answer, they might rebuild the bond. Others remain distant, guarded and cold.

Globally, single motherhood is rising. According to the Pew Research Centre, the U.S. has the world’s highest rate of children living in single-parent households, almost 23%. In sub-Saharan Africa and parts of Asia, poverty, lack of reproductive rights, and limited access to family planning contribute to high rates of single motherhood. Divorce, failed relationships, and abandonment all play a role.

While some women are now leaving their children with their ex-partners and choosing to rebuild their lives, this is a rare occurrence. Most women fear losing access to their children or that the fathers may neglect them, leaving them in the care of indifferent relatives or even abusive stepmothers.

The truth is, society is deeply unfair to single mothers. When a man leaves, people ask, “What did she do to him?” When a woman leaves, they say, “She’s unfit. A mother should never leave her children.”

It’s time single mothers began approaching child support and co-parenting with more emphasis. Though the trauma may be valid and deep, the future of their children requires a balanced structure. Child support, regular fatherly presence, and co-parenting agreements protect not just the child’s upbringing, but the mother’s emotional well-being.

When the father is held accountable and contributes financially and emotionally, the child is less likely to seek a connection out of longing. The mother avoids the shock of seeing her child turn away after years of sacrifice. And she can live, build, and thrive, not just survive.

Yes, children will go in search of their fathers. But before they do, single mothers must get ahead of that story. Seek legal support. Encourage honest relationships. Prioritise emotional healing. Raising children should never fall solely on one parent. And no mother should have to heal from the pain of doing it alone, only to feel replaced in the end.

The post Modupe Ayobami: What Happens When Absent Fathers Become the Cool Parent? appeared first on BellaNaija - Showcasing Africa to the world. Read today!.